How Haruhi Came to Earth!
by israelita
Summary: a very vulgar, funny, hilarious way to narrate how Ryoji and Kotoko met. The Fujioka family of course, Ryojixkotoko 2 shots lame sum...
1. Chapter 1

**How Haruhi Came To Earth!**

**Description:** a very vulgar, funny, hilarious way to narrate how Ryoji and Kotoko met. The Fujioka family of course, _Ryojixkotoko _**2 shots**

_**Mixer**_ -according to the Wallflower manga (Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge) it is usually one place when people can meet and hook up.

_**Okama**_ -straight or not straight, girl clothes wearer for entertainment purposes. Cross-dresser.

**(",) -**would mean 'hearts' or lovey dovey lingo...

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"Hay, Ranka!"

"What is it?(",)"

"Someone called for you!"

'_Eh! Someone called for me?'_

Ryoji Fujioka, a.k.a. "Ranka", was bisexual. Not that it seems to matter to him. He likes to wear beautiful clothes and sometimes comes to the mixer, cross-dressed. Nothing was to go wrong that night at the pub. He was just filling up for a sick friend; sick, okama friend. Well, something can always go wrong at such a place…

"Hello!(",)"

He was introduced to a table bought by a man hiding in the shadows. By what he could see, he is not too tall, short rather, like a teenage boy, and his skin is… beautiful?

"Hello to you, too!"

'_My what a smooth voice!'_ he thought.

"They said you rang for me (",)?" he said as he tried to sit as close as possible to his client. He learned the trade fast. Sit close, cuddle and be affectionate. After one hour, you can leave your table. That was what the manager told him. _**And they don't send their 'okama's to hotels. **_

"Well, as you see, my table is quite empty and you seem to be available so…" and the man lifted up his blushing face.

'_Damn! He's cute!'_

"Want to drink? There's champagne, whiskey, even sake (",)." He said. One of the main thing they must do is offer up drinks.

"Do you want to drink, too?" the man asked.

'_Eh! Why ask me?'_

"Well…" Ryoji can't drink! He gets drunk too easily!

"Is it okay if I ordered something as soft as red wine?" the guy said. Then Ranka ordered away.

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After about 6 hours of talking…

"Hey, manager-san, isn't it about tume we closed up? Not much people came today." One okama asked his manager.

"Well… we don't have any customers after 4 am so ok. We'll close after 15 mins."

The manager gave the signal. It's time to go home.

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"Hey, Koto-san? Are you still awake?"

They talked and Ranka talked a lot and drank less. The result? The other dude, whose name seemed to be Koto, drank more and talked less. The great outcome is a drunken customer.

"Uh well… am I not slurring?" she said

Yeah, she wasn't, or so it seems, slurring but she sure was dizzy.

"Do you have a driver or a friend anywhere near here? It's closing time for the bar." The pretty lady asked her. Such a pretty face but, no, she doesn't have any friends. _Did she even remember to bring the address to her condominium unit?_

"No, I don't… Ummm… do you know how to drive? I don't trust myself." She asked It's worth a try than to not be able to go home.

"Uh…" the pretty lady was thinking it over.

'_Please say 'yes'! Please say 'yes'! Oh, Please…!'_

"Don't let manager-san know, ok?" Ranka _('Was it her name?')_, said.

"Thank you." She said as she was helped to get up by Ranka. _So pretty and so strong…_

"What's that, Ranka-chan? Isn't he your customer? Is he takin' you out?" the okama from behind the bar as Ranka took her gym bag.

"Nah, he's going to go home. I will go home, too. Just need to put this guy in his car, Sakura-chan!" she answered as she waved byebye. _Sweetly. So sweet, like there's honey on her lips…_

Once they got to the parking lot, Kotoko retrieved her keys from her pocket. Ranka took it and because there is only one car in the vicinity, started the engine and purred away to kotoko's condo unit, thanks to the written address on the dashboard.

Kotoko is a very famous lawyer. She is very famous during law school and is a closet fan of St. Lobelia's the Zuka club (after spending her time there as a scholar for the senior division.) She has an awesome boss and a very good life. Straight life. No zigzags or broken lines. Straight, unbent and untroubled. Why she came in the bar she didn't know. Maybe unconsciously, she wanted to get away from her fine, untroubled life. Trouble spices up life. Challenges give a it different flavor. What kind of challenge she wanted she didn't know, but the challenge that started that night was something she would never back off from…

_They reached her condominium door and…_

Ranka was speechless! The condo was rad! Everything feels like it costs more than 10K! Then he began to feel upset. Yes, Ryoji-san is drunk and he knows he will forget the luxury by the afternoon after he takes his morning sleep. He half-drag, half-carried the also half-asleep Koto to what seemed like the bed. **That's where all hell broke loose**. Hell brought by 3 bottles of red wine and _a few pints of gin_ mixed here and there.

_Were they surprised when they woke up the next morning…_

Bisexual Ranka was shocked he saw a woman and (maybe also a bi?) Kotoko was surprised to see a man. Both thought the other has the same sex as theirs and both was disappointed that it wasn't. That brought both worlds together…

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_**RIIIIINNNGGGGG!!**_

Two hands from under the ruffled bed sheets reached for the alarm clock that was set by seven. Slowly, both peeked from their part of the blanket… and that's where the screaming match started…

"_**Kyaaaah! You're a boy!"**_ Shouted Kotoko.

"_**Maaaah! You're a girl!"**_ Shouted Ryoji

How they knew each other's sex when there is a _thick,_ emphasizing on _**thick**_, blanket around theirbodies, the fanfic author doesn't know. At the same time, both turned around and thought, _' I thought I'd lose it to a boy/ girl! Unlucky!'_

However, the phone rang from Ryoji's side of the bed. As it became a human instinct to pick up a ringing phone, Ryoji picked it up and spoke "Hello." That's when he remembered that the place wasn't his.

"**Are you the one Kotoko was with last night?" **A deep voice of a father seemed to come from the other line of the phone. He gently turned to face Kotoko… and her scared face made him more scared and nervous.

"Ye-yeah. What do you want?"

"**Could you please pass the phone to kotoko-san."**

'_And it sounds like an order…'_

"Did he ask for me?" Kotoko asked.

"Yeah, here." And Ryoji passed the wireless phone.

"I- I'm here." Kotoko replied. And another screamer joined the match! Banzai!

"**WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU JUST DID, KOTOKO?! WITHOUT TELLING YOUR ONII-SAMA, TOO?! FROM WHAT I HEARD FROM THE GUARDS, HE LOOKS LIKE AN OKAMA!"**

And Ryoji flinched at the man calling him an okama.

"It's not what you think it is…" kotoko answered gently but very far from the receiver.

"**WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I CAUGHT THE BOTH OF YOU ON SURVEILLANCE CAMERA!"**

And the television turned on, all on its own, and wow, it was in front of the bed! What was caught on the surveillance camera rerouted to Kotoko's personal TV is not fitted for this fanfic. However it made the two naked people in the room make such sour faces.

"**YOU HAD ME ON UNDER SURVEILLANCE!?" **Kotoko yelled over the phone.

"**Onii-sama only wants you to be safe all the time."** was all she received from the telephone receiver.

"**Okama-san"**

Ryoji flinched yet again. He's not a damn okama!

"Yeah?"

"**Please accompany Kotoko-san to my office. Kotoko?"**

"Yes." Kotoko answered.

"**IN MY OFFICE! 8-SHARP!"** and a loud slamming sound ended the call.

Both faces of the two were dreadful. It was as if death came to fetch them by 8-sharp.

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AN: YAY!! I made this as is from 12 to 4 in the morning...YAY!! r and r people... i'll pose the next one when i'm finished typing it!!


	2. Chapter 2

How Haruhi Came To Earth!

Description: a very vulgar, funny, hilarious way to narrate how Ryoji and Kotoko met. The Fujioka family of course, Ryojixkotoko 2 shots

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"Do you really need me to come? I mean, I don't want to meet the guy."

'Can't we just pretend like nothing happened?' that part he added only for himself.

"Do you want me to lose my job?" was all Kotoko answered him. Ryoji asked her what her job was and she said she was an "attorney-at-law." The one who called was her one-of-a-kind boss.

"What's this Suou-guy anyway?"

"You don't know him?" Kotoko answered from the dressing compartment (or whatever you call it.)

Ryoji managed to bring his bag, miracelously, in the condo. He stuffed his "boy clothes" inside, planning to change to "normal" clothes after his shift. Kotoko stepped out of the dressing compartment (?) in her lawyer suit. It was pink. Her short hair was tamed in a slick, wet-like look. Ryoji noticed, if you look at her face, disregarding her "Feminine clothing", she could pass for a "he."

"You really don't know, Yuzuru Suou?" She asked with such innocent eyes.

"Why do I need to know about him anyway?" he asked as they excited via door and entered the elevator.

"Yuzuru Suou," Kotoko started as the elevator went down, "is the patriarch of the Suou Empire. You may not have seen him on TV, but he's a filthin' rich man. Too bad he's got one hell of a mother, though."

The elevator halted and they quickly turned to the parking lot.

"He has a son from a beloved mistress. He loves them so much." She explained.

"If he's so rich," Ryoji said as they walked through the parking area, having exited the lobby, "Why can't he just marry the mistress and ditch the first one? If he has a wife already…"

"He did ditch the first one, the one he married but didn't love, and was planning to marry the french girl —"

"The girl's French!?"

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, old mommy didn't like it so…"

And she made a sort of pouting/ questioning look.

"Poor guy…"

Then they halted on the edge of the parking lot, in front os the exit lane for cars. They passed all the cars parked in that area.

"…"

"Are you sure you parked my car in here?"

"Yeah, I even passed by that security guard…"

"Oh no."

Suddenly, a limousine stopped in front of them. The window opened and it revealed a middle-aged man.

"I don't think you should use your car today, Kotoko-chan." The man said as he procured a rose from nowhere. Then he snapped his fingers. Goons in black tuxedos appeared and lifted them by their arms.

"Don't panic," Kotoko whispered to Ryoji, "It's going to be alright."

"You're telling me not to panic when there're people in black suits lifting me in the air!" Ryoji shouted and then panted because of lack of oxygen.

"I'm such a good brother. Take them away." The man said as the window of his limo slid up.

"This is over-reacting…" Kotoko murmured. Then the goons took them to who knows where.

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"You Okama," Yuzuru said as he pointed a finger at Ryoji, "Are you ready to take responsibility of my beautiful Kotoko?"

They were taken to an office in a high rise building. By guessing, this floor could be said to be Kotoko's working station floor.

Ryoji looked at Yuzuru…

'_What is with this guy?'_

"It's not a big deal boss." Kotoko said.

"It's a big deal! You lost your virginity to this okama! He should take responsibility!"

"Uhm… don't speak about me as if I'm not here." Ryoji said as an anger charm worked its way up to his head.

"Actually, it's my fault I got so drunk."

"No, because he obviously got drunk, too."

"Hello??? Anyone listenin' to me???"

"It's normal for two people to share a bed."

"It's not normal for two strangers to share a bed."

"It's a lot usual for strangers to…"

"But that's bad, Kotoko!"

"Ok. Sorry for intruding but if I'm just going to stand here doing nothing, Id prefer going to my part time job." Ryoji butted in and made his way to the door of the office.

"We're not finished yet okama-san." Yuzuru said as he pointed yet another finger at the man.

Ryoji turned to face him with a serious expression on his face. He looked at Yuzuru dead in the eyes.

"Why do you keep on pushing her into something she doesn't want? If she doesn't want to do it, let her be. Don't expect other people to follow you just because you're rich."

With that he turned and went out of the office. However, a complete labirynth of hard working desk employees and their cubicles unfolded before his eyes. Before the next millenium came by, he snapped out of his 'I'm going to get lost' syndrome. He began to go to his left, seeing that it is a wide hall.

"Are you going to the comfort room? That's the girl's CR…"

He spun around and saw Kotoko. For a second, he saw her in her radiance. _Her innocent eyes, her cute face and her petite body…_

"What are you looking at? Is there dirt on my face?" and she rubbed one of her cheeks with the back of her hand… _Cute…_

But reality dragged Ryoji back to Earth... Hard… He just yelled at one of the richest men in Japan.

"Hey," he said as he gripped her shoulders with his hands, "Tell me I'm not going to die the day after tomorrow."

"Even though what you just said brings back to my memory of a title of a book I just read," she said, "No, he doesn't work that way. He doesn't push people… he just… how could I call it… likes to tease people…?"

"Phew," he said as he put a hand on his chest, "I thought I would die the moment I walked out of this building."

"Ah!" Kotoko said as she hammered a fist into her hand, "You don't know where the exit is, do you?"

"Well, you can say that… what I see here is a maze…"

"Funny, what I see is a whole ocean of paperwork…"

"What?"

"Nothing… I'll show you out…"

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With that, he turned and went out of the office…

"Hmmm… He has guts." was all Yuzuru said.

"You weren't even moved by an angry person." Kotoko muttured.

"Kotoko, I need the files from yesterday. Fetch them!"

"Ehh!?"

"Go!"

"Okay…"

And the door closed again.

"It's not about being rich. It's about missed chances. I hope those two won't miss their's."

He took a photo from the drawer. It showed a beautiful french woman holding a baby in her arms.

"What have I gotten you into, Tamaki…"

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"Ranka-chan! (",)"

"What is it, Sakura-chan? (",)"

"Someone wants to see you out back," the okama said.

"OK! (",)"

It has been a month and the girl (ahem, "kotoko-chan" was her name) hasn't called yet. He gave her his number (just in case)… or maybe he just really likes her… that's new at least… a bi falling for a girl…

If his memory served him right, she was his ex-classmate back in high school. How could she recognize him when he changed so much… first flames doesn't die, do they?

Shaking his head, he went to the back of the store, outside. He opened the door and found Kotoko outside… surprise…

"What's up?" he asked as he closed the door and stepped out, in his okama attire too.

"Uhm, can we talk somewhere else? Somewhere private…" she said with her head bowed down.

"My shifts nearly done… Could you still wait?" He asked, he still got 15 minutes till 10 pm, then its home…

15 minutes later…

Ryoji came out in normal clothes and, amazingly, followed by a trail of gays…

"Hmm… Do you mind a restaurant?" he asked.

Kotoko eyed the gays following him…

"Oh, them…" Ryoji said as he eyed the gays, "Don't mind them…"

And he proceeded to guide Kotoko through the nearly empty streets. They stopped at a 24-hour restaurant. It's not really grand but, Ryoji can't think of anywhere else he can take her to…

They sat down and ordered coffee. Astonishingly, they ordered at the same time. Talk about similarities…

"Do you have a problem?" Ryoji started. However Kotoko kept eyeing his back.

"Is there something - ." Ryoji said as he looked behind him and stopped abruptly…

Behind him was a horde of gays from the okama house.

"Show's over! Out, now!" he shouted, standing up, and the gays shot him reproachful looks before backing down and going for the doors. Kotoko heard someone say, "Ranka-chan's not fun…"

Ryoji sighed and sat down again.

"Ok, spill the beans."

"Eh," Kotoko was caught off-guard.

"You have something going on in that brain of yours. Come on, share it!"

"Uh, you see… I… I mean… I'm… uhm… how can I say this… yopu see…" she bagan to mutter endlessly. She didn't expect ryoji to be that… brash? She imagined this scene with someone more… patient… she didn't expect to say it this fast… this early in their conversation.

"Really, what you want to say must either be very long or embarrassing…" he said and sat next to her," how about whispering it to me?"

"Uhm…"

"Come on. Out with it."

"Ok, first word out…"

"Pregnant…"

The whole city of Tokyo could swear they woke up at ten that night… xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxzxxxxxxxxzxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxzxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxzxxxxxxxxzx

XD Hope that you liked it!


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